


Die by the Mouth

by whimsicalSwindler (Spammy_Wits)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: formating is pain, karkat getting into stupid situations because of saying the wrong shit is my jam, shortfic, so many puns it's unreal, specially the chats, the condesce is basically a more ruthless meenah in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22388638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spammy_Wits/pseuds/whimsicalSwindler
Summary: Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you've been dragged against your will into the presence of the bloodthirsty ruler of Alternia after an unfortunate chain of events involving your very offensive blood color mutation. Your chances of survival are almost nonexistent at this point so, seeing as your demise is staring you right in the face and you're very righteously mad at the moment: FUCK IT, you're making your grievances known if it's the last thing you ever do (which is, to the surprise of absolutely no one, not an exaggeration).
Comments: 10
Kudos: 28





	Die by the Mouth

  
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you've been dragged against your will into the presence of the bloodthirsty ruler of Alternia after an unfortunate chain of events involving your very offensive blood color mutation. Your chances of survival are almost nonexistent at this point so, seeing as your demise is staring you right in the face and you're very righteously mad at the moment: FUCK IT, you're making your grievances known if it's the last thing you ever do (which is, to the surprise of absolutely no one, not an exaggeration).  
  
"I knew I'd get to spill some more candy blood one day. Got your execution all pretty and custom made sweeps ago, you know? There was so much time to mullet over after the last one... Anyfin to say before we get this over with, buoy?"  
  
"I should be surprised that you already killed a troll with my same mutation... But I'm not. You're old as fuck so that probably checks out.  
  
"Shit, if I'm going to die anyway not saying all the hoofbeast shit I think about regularly but would deliver my ass into treason motivated culling would be a missed chance. Plus, saying it at all would justify my death and at least I'd like to earn it and not die for something that's frankly all kinds of stupid. Lady, you suck! You might be a badass and I might respect the hell out of your tactics but running an expanding society is not as clear cut as you make it out to fucking be! Our civilization needs more than a military genius you pompous fish panned psycho!  
  
"The majority of the strongest trolls don't even make it to ascension because they love fighting so much they kill or maim each other for no reason whatsoever. Tell me how the fuck that furthers your goals of intergalactic conquest?! Because I see no use in that wretchedly backward way of cutting your forces to 1/100th of what they could be without even evaluating the potential of the remaining assholes. And you know what else makes no fucking sense to me? An entire planet of violent kids with tons of unsupervised outlets to annihilate each other, a regular stipend in exchange for fondling their shameglobes all night without any contribution to the empire and talented warriors being conscripted in sections of the army they have absolutely no talent for because blood is (for some unfathomable logic no one seems to understand) a *reliable* indicator of skill. Fuck that, fuck you, fuck your lusus and all that fucking tacky gold regalia!"  
  
"...You all heard that? Shouty thinks he can do a betta job and he is one rude bass guppy!"  
  
"Hold on! I never said I-"  
  
"Not hearing it, nubs. You ain't gonna be floundering on me after that, are you? I'd feel reely disappointed if you got me to fink aboat the fishue and then jumped off ship like a spineless loser. I shoal be culling you but you are way cooler than your krilljoy of an ancestor and I like some snappy attitude every now and then... I've haddock with all of these bass kissers so I'm going to keep you just for the halibut. I didn't fink I'd get such a good catch today, Shouty."  
  
"So, that's it? You liked seeing me screaming and flailing like a pan dead moron and decided to what? Torture me? Make me your pet? Excuse me if I can't understand whatever you said because guess what that's exactly what happened!  
  
"Fuck it, just do your thing, it's not like I have any agency in front of the empress."  
  
"That's moray like it! Shoal we make it offishial then?"  


  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board DROP WHATEVER YOU IDIOTS ARE UP TO, I SERIOUSLY NEED HELP.  


CG: HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION GAVE ME FREE REIGN OF THE PLANET AFTER I BLEW UP AT HER AND SHE DIDN'T SAY IT BUT I'M PRETTY DAMN SURE I'M FUCKING DEAD IF I DON'T HAVE RESULTS SOON. SUGGESTIONS?  
twinArmageddons [TA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
TA: that'2 a joke, riight? kk, tell me that'2 a joke.

**Author's Note:**

> I have the headcanon that the Condesce would have totally befriended Karkat if certain conditions were met, she's still Meenah somewhere deep inside


End file.
